I Apologize in Advance for This Post

I can just imagine my friend Christi cringing as she reads this post, just as I'm sure she does for each of my Weird Body Parts entries. Why I feel compelled to share such things with you people is a mystery to me, but here goes.

Farts. I'm gonna talk about farts people.

In my defense, I was inspired by a funny post by Jules (seriously, there really are a lot of you named Jules out there-- I'm going to have to start numbering you) about passing gas in front of her man. She's one of those hold-it-in gals, like my friend Christi. I think Christi says five Hail Mary's every time she passes gas, and she would be MORTIFIED if anyone heard her doing it. Although she and her husband have four children together, certain body functions remain secret.

I can't imagine, because Jason and I take an almost zealous pride in the horsepower and potency behind our gas. Before we got married I used to run to the grocery store or wherever at midnight because I couldn't go number two in the same apartment with him. Those days are long gone, my friend. Jason's the only guy I'm comfortable enough to relieve myself around. Really the only person, period. If we go on vacation with another couple I pretty much stay stopped up the whole trip.

Long ago I had a long distance romance with a boy I met at Myrtle Beach after graduation. It turns out the guy was a virgin, and after we did the deed, I was walking back from the bathroom and I let out a loud queef. (Is that even how you spell it?) Picture the scene in The Heartbreak Kid with Ben Stiller. The poor guy tried to be a gentleman and played it off by thumping the mattress loudly a few times and I wanted to blurt out "That did not come out of my ass!" but I couldn't and I wanted to die. (If I ever find him on Facebook that's the first thing I'm writing on his wall, in caps.) Then it happened again a few weeks later WHILE WE WERE HAVING SEX. Again, we were both too mortified to say anything and the guy just buried his head in my shoulder and kept going (what a trooper). I'm sure he was thinking WTF-- I know this chic did not just fart on me. To this day that's probably what he thinks. What a nice way to remember losing your virginity.

Again, I have no idea why I felt the need to put this out there. Blogs are like potent truth serum or something. (BTW, he's the only guy that's ever happened with. I don't know why it seems so important to make that distinction, but it does.)

Also, I've just recently acquired some writers as followers and I can just imagine how much I impressed them with this little literary gem. Clas-say!