Not feeling like a very good mother today.
Of course saying this will prompt lots of "you're the best mom in the world!" comments. Because let's be honest, there's sort of a sliding scale when you are a mother of a child with special needs. (And god I hate that fucking term. I hate saying it, I hate everything about it. I do. I can't help it. I never thought that term would apply to my child.) Everyone automatically thinks you are such a great mom if your child has any sort of disability. But they don't know that sometimes I get so tired of repeating myself, of talking loudly, of all the noise, all the noise all the time. Sometimes I get so frustrated because my son doesn't do what I tell him and part of me knows that he didn't hear me correctly but that doesn't stop me from losing my temper and what kind of monster does that make me?
I love my son. I love my son more than anything in the world. I don't even recognize myself sometimes when I am yelling at him. I seem to be always getting onto him lately. I'm always sorry, but it's like I can't help myself. I just want to talk to him, but I end up correcting him.
My son got his first F on is report card. Again, the sliding scale. I know everyone thinks, well he does have a hearing impairment...
I hate that fucking sliding scale. I know that every time someone remarks on how smart he is, there is that silent for a hearing impaired child. I don't want lowered expectations for my son. I want him to be popular and Homecoming King and all that bullshit.
I have a friend whose child is four and going through chemo treatments. Another friend has a two-year old with spina bifida who has had eight major surgeries and has spent probably a fourth of her life in some sort of cast. I feel selfish when I think of that and ashamed for feeling sorry for myself.
I'm just scared, and tired. I'm scared because I think Jay's hearing might be declining. I just want him to be able to hold onto the what hearing he still has.
And of course there is the guilt. There will always be the guilt. Not just the guilt of failing my son, but the guilt that I caused all this. My son is hearing impaired because of something I did. Nothing will ever convince me otherwise. No matter how many doctors or professionals tell me otherwise, I will always know it and it will weigh on my chest every night as I lay in bed at night.
This is a bad morning. There is a lot of joy in my life, and most of the time I am appreciative. Sometimes, though, sometimes you just have to be honest and let out even the darkest, most hideous truths.
Okay, deep breath now...
12 comments:
Kim
I also have a special needs child and it comes with its own set of challenges right out of the gate.My daughter has had open heart surgery, cancer, rheumetoid arthritis and a traumatic brain injury. She struggles just to develop normal speech. The things that "normal" parents take for granted are a gift to me. As a parent, you judge yourself for every little thing. I completely understand your feelings. Your child has all of this issues to overcome,is it too much to ask that they be given a little success? It is so frustrating! I also go to that dark place of assuming the very worst. It is hard to remain positive and hopeful. I have a funny saying I use when I am being too hard on myself..."At least you are not burning them with cigarette butts." The fact that you are questioning your parenting means you are vested and probably doing an amazing job. Also, the thinking that someone has it worse than me is no good. I think it is okay to have a little pitty party every now and again. Then when you are done you can get right back on the horse. Hang in there!
Being a mom is so hard. The guilt. The guilt. I think we are alike, in the fact, we set incredibly high standards for our kids, and worry constantly when they don't meet or exceed these expectations. Sometimes I have to step back (after the yelling-- oh, I am quite the yeller) and say "Are they doing their best?" If I can't say they are doing their best and giving it 100%-- then I believe I'm justified in pushing them harder. Life is fucking HARD, and I want my children, no matter what challenges they face, to be able to push through and succeed. This thought process doesn't stop the guilt though.
From everything I've read, Jay seems like a terrific kid. You must be doing something right!
Hi Kim,
I know what you mean about the yelling. I'm blessed to have two girls free of any physical or mental "special needs" but like any parent, I get worn down by the demands or ratty behavior and I raise my voice. Repeatedly. I feel like a morning-after alcoholic saying "Never again! I MEAN it this time!" As if. How can I tell my kids to behave themselves and not do X when I myself keep doing Y? I know we're only human, but as you say, you get hard on yourself sometimes.
Kim stop being so hard on yourself! Yes, there are always people worse off than you, but feeling guilty for being upset and tired and frustrated because other people are more upset and tired and frustrated doesn't make those feelings go away. In fact I think it emphasizes them more. If you're feeling like a shitty mom, let yourself feel like a shitty mom for a minute, wallow for a minute - it's okay to feel the way you feel. Writing about it is the first step, so you're already on the right track. Then something will happen that will snap you out of it - your kid will say something cute, or (better than cute) smart and you'll realize that you're not such a shitty mom after all.
Maybe I'm not so good at pep talks.
Hey, don't sell yourself short. I'm sure you're the best Mom on your block at least.
Wait. Is sarcasm okay? Too soon?
Okay, in all seriousness, sometimes we do have to let these thoughts out. You know we all have them to some degree or another. It's fucking hard, this gig.
I love you! I have REALLY bad teacher moments too. I yell at kids. Kids who have super shitty home lives. Kids who have drugged out parents, absent parents, parents who could care less. Why? Because I'm frustrated. The kid didn't do his homework. AGAIN.
OF COURSE HE DIDN'T. WTF?!
Sometimes we do these things.
We have to forgive ourselves. We deal with a lot. But we're human too. You're human.
I don't think you are being hard enough on yourself. You should buy Jay something nice.
Or you could just give him and you a fucking break, and know that while you felt horrible all day for yelling at him, and think you've scarred him for life, he forgot it ten minutes later.
I think we have to forget about the others who "have it worse". Your challenges and struggles are unique to you, no one can tell you what you should feel- so if you are feeling sorry for yourself and upset over what your son is going through- you are totally justified! I don't know any perfect parents out there- don't expect to be one. As long as you refuse to give up, and care as much as you already do- your son will be fine. You're a fighter- that means you won't let him down.
Chin up girl!
Thanks for writing so honestly. We're all human and it's a relief when one of us is brave enough to write about it. Like this. Some days I feel like I give Joan Crawford a run for her money.
Kim, my son lost his hearing completely in one ear in 10th grade and I've blamed myself as well. It's crazy, right? What could we as mothers have done to cause such a thing? But there you have it; irrational guilt, and it's a relief to hear you feel it too. And Logical Libby is right...so hugs.
This is the first time I have come across your blog. I don't know anything about you other than this post, but I wanted to say that there are times when we all find ourselves getting exaspirated from time to time. You aren't alone. You have friends obviously, look at your comments.
keep up the good work....
well written
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